Had an absolutely brilliant evening this weekend. A geek filled 40th birthday celebration. I'd forgotten how much easier it is to talk to people (even people I hadn't technically met before ^^) who share your interests, or at least understand what you are talking about yours. I've been stressing over my poor social skills but I've been basing that on experiences of talking to mundanes/mainstreamies in small talk type situations. I didn't suffer the brain fog hardly at all.

I like being amongst drunk people. My symptoms blend in perfectly so I don't need to work so hard on maintaining my normal person (health wise anyway ^^) façade. It's ok to slur my words, be a bit light headed and wobbly, fail to string my sentences together properly and be generally out of it. And knowing it's ok means less anxiety which means it's less of a problem. Also I knew I was ok because I was surrounded by lovely people. I really need a new adjective but it does the job so well

I did decline to stand in the 'kitchen' but I could have done. I would have been fine to have a moment on my own. I didn't and I hope that wasn't because people felt obligated to not leave me sitting on my own. Not to much badness to post-mortem about my behaviour. A few sentences could have been better left unsaid but only in favour of not going on about things that weren't that interesting. Given the hours I was there, possibly the most successful post M.E. relapse night out so far. ^_^
I'll find out in a day or two what the consequences health wise will be. It'll be ok, it was worth it. XD

It is also great to not have burning eyes and the smell of smoke on my clothes. Yes this is still a novelty for me, I really haven't been in a pub for that long. ^^

I will not worry about the amount of money I have spent today. It has been a great day. It could have been improved by sharing more of the experiences with friends or loved ones but the events and happenings themselves have been some of the best.

Today I
- found out I have a normal ECG thanks to www.c-r-y.org.uk
- finished a volume of Fruits Basket which ended significantly.
- watched the third from last episode of Paranoia Agent.
- had a couple of good rests and did my T'ai Chi practice before going out.
- haven't had to wait long for any of the 5 buses I have been on today. Same goes for trains.
- bought a £3 volume of GTO from Forbidden Planet.
- saw the Kuniyoshi woodblock prints exhibit at the Royal Academy of Art, brilliant detail and colours.
- bought Japanese Calligraphy paper and brush, delicious vegetable tempura hand roll and Japanese snacks from the Japan Centre.
- found TokyoToys and bought chocobanna pocky.
- ran into one friend at the Kodo event in the ladies and met up with another during the intermission.
- got to see one of the best performances I have ever seen. Kodo are awesome(as in inspired awe and the warm fuzzy feeling inside that comes from indulging in a passion)
- sat next to a lovely lady and had a bit of a chat.
- bought the DVD with cd of the show.
- got to see everyone at the end of the performance to say goodbye.
- made it this far with cognitive faculties relatively intact and still able to move.

Tomorrow may be a different matter but right now I think it was all worth it ^^

Ive been writing this all week now, bit by bit on my iPhone, hoping I don't loose it when I exit.

I had my CBT follow up and the nice lady helped me focus on a few things. Health has been headed in a downwardly direction for well over a year but it's been quite a gradual processes.

My ability to detach my general sense of wellbeing from my symptoms has led to a happier me. Unfortunately my symptoms are my bodies way of communicating and I should listen to them. This detachment has made them easier to ignore. So something happens like the feeling my bones are in fact made of lead plus gravity has been cranked up and I think huh been a while since I've had that all day. It doesn't go away and it's not so bad so I get used to it and ignore it in favour of being happy. Then my myalgia flares up and my muscles ache, but it's not all the time so I carry on getting in with it. And so on till I find myself fighting to get through work and too tired to smile.

I'm quite proud of my impersonation of an average person. (I've been told off for calling healthy people normal, it's much more normal to deviate from the textbook idea of a human being.) But lately it's gotten harder to pull off. It takes effort to maintain the happier side of neutral expression I wear to conceal the gravity induced vacant, non-happy one that comes naturally when no ones watching. It takes a second to fix in place. I don't want people to ask how I am, though I am getting used to instantly lying in a polite way. It's much easier than giving a second thought to the real answer.

Anyway this not being good will get worse so what to do about it? Well I talked with CBT lady about my inability to want to do the right thing and take breaks when in the middle of something as being mini boom and bust cycles. I'd rather not face the movement or thinking that comes from changing activity. It also takes me closer to contemplating the true amount of stuff I need and want to do but don't do, they aren't fun thoughts to think. So I plough on through, get it done, get the sense of achievement and the direct consequences aren't obvious.

I think I wrote before about naming the bit of brain responsible for the thoughts that argue so well for what it thinks I want as Cid. Well I find it much simpler to clearly define these unhelpful thoughts as being Cid. I don't want chocolate, I'm not hungry and my stomach really doesn't fancy the idea of chocolate. But if it's in front of me I will eat it because Cid wants to. Chocolate=good and you doesn't want something that's good? Eating produces happy brain chemicals and is something that needs to happen. Lots of good arguments in favour of doing it and I know the bad ones, Cid however is very narrow-minded and isn't interested in arguing, he just states his mind in a clear well rehearsed, repetitive manor and it's down to me to make a case for not doing it. Something that is harder to do the more tired I am.

I think I'll try posting this now. I can edit it when I get to my laptop with it's more comprehensive spellcheck. I'll continue in another post.....

Seeing if I can blog through my iPhone. It's been far too long since I've posted. If this works it should be easier ^_^

I'm sure I wrote one. I talked about the awkwardness of work people seeming to not want to ask if I had a happy christmas because of losing my Dad but them doing that made me think more about it than the actual happening of xmas. I don't remember what else I wrote but I doubt it was important. I did get asked if I wanted to restore from draft but I wasn't paying enough attention and didn't check it posted properly. Fudge. Well the point was to write it not to have it online. I do like having a dash under every date on the calendar though. ^^

Well new year's resolution? Do a little t'ai chi every day. Nice and simple even if I don't know how I will work it in to everyday just yet but if I just start with a run through of the start of the form it will be good. It'll be easier when I get the DVD.

# Emptied a room.
## Bought a carpet.
### moved stuff round till our bed was actually in the now bedroom and sofa in the almost living room. Now if we can just sort through the mountains of stuff.
#### Had a picnic on the front room floor. No table like surface available at the moment.
##### Ordered some new furniture that should fit our now bedroom and new sheets that will hopefully over our extra deep nasa mattress. All the ones we have had so far shrink after washing and I am fed up or having it ping off cause it's too small to fit over all four corners at once:P

` Scrubbed half one of our large windows clean before the huge terrapin tank went in front of it. I look forward to setting it up for them they should enjoy the space.
`` Got some storage boxes with lids to facilitate the shifting of stuff.
``` Moved stuff and sorted some stuff. Don't seem to be able to do both at the same time but mini steps of progress being made.
```` Got messages from friends.
````` Wrote messages to friends, not been good enough at that lately. The doing it everyday didn't last in the run up to xmas.

- Ate some vegetables to break up the consumption of chocolate and pringles.
-- Used some xmas bubbles and stuff for a lovely bath.
--- Enjoyed some jpop.
---- Did a tiny bit of housework after being angered by not doing enough with my day and living in a home that is an embarrassment.
----- Shifted some stuff to make room for new terrapin tank.

~ More pressies ^_^
~~ Another lovely dinner round other-half's mum's.
~~~ Fun day with relatives and their dogs.
~~~~ Chocolate and pringles - nom nom.
~~~~~ Got through the day ok.

* I got soo many presents from my other half he deserves a good telling off. He misjudged the quantity of his orders and I now have enough Japanese snacks to quite possible last me to... well maybe 6 months if I'm honest. A couple of them I know and love and all the rest new to try ^_^
** He got me enough computer games to definitely last me till next year and new manga and moe soundrop keychains and wait for it, Trigun proper offical box set! (does a mini explode of joy while hoping to remember to make a convincing attempt at telling him he bought too much and not to do it again next time)
*** Also got other japanese related loveiness, totoro diary - kawaii! more manga, lovely, lovely manga and a cd case that has speakers in I can use for my ipod ^_^ no more wrestling the speaker cable out of the pc to play it out loud.
**** My other half cooked dinner and it worked out really well and was really nice. Having the food on the table in bowls and plates so I could put what I wanted in front of me really helped, though I still may have over done it a little but it is christmas.
***** Scrooged was on, one of my preferred xmas viewings. Would have loved to have seen Muppet christmas carol but I missed that a week or so ago. I'll tape it next time.

Good day ^_^