Ermm....

-A brilliant night out-

2009-09-08T23:15:49Z

Had an absolutely brilliant evening this weekend. A geek filled 40th birthday celebration. I'd forgotten how much easier it is to talk to people (even people I hadn't technically met before ^^) who share your interests, or at least understand what you are talking about yours. I've been stressing over my poor social skills but I've been basing that on experiences of talking to mundanes/mainstreamies in small talk type situations. I didn't suffer the brain fog hardly at all.

I like being amongst drunk people. My symptoms blend in perfectly so I don't need to work so hard on maintaining my normal person (health wise anyway ^^) façade. It's ok to slur my words, be a bit light headed and wobbly, fail to string my sentences together properly and be generally out of it. And knowing it's ok means less anxiety which means it's less of a problem. Also I knew I was ok because I was surrounded by lovely people. I really need a new adjective but it does the job so well

I did decline to stand in the 'kitchen' but I could have done. I would have been fine to have a moment on my own. I didn't and I hope that wasn't because people felt obligated to not leave me sitting on my own. Not to much badness to post-mortem about my behaviour. A few sentences could have been better left unsaid but only in favour of not going on about things that weren't that interesting. Given the hours I was there, possibly the most successful post M.E. relapse night out so far. ^_^
I'll find out in a day or two what the consequences health wise will be. It'll be ok, it was worth it. XD

It is also great to not have burning eyes and the smell of smoke on my clothes. Yes this is still a novelty for me, I really haven't been in a pub for that long. ^^

Day up London - Kodo brilliance

2009-06-06T21:47:13Z

I will not worry about the amount of money I have spent today. It has been a great day. It could have been improved by sharing more of the experiences with friends or loved ones but the events and happenings themselves have been some of the best.

Today I
- found out I have a normal ECG thanks to www.c-r-y.org.uk
- finished a volume of Fruits Basket which ended significantly.
- watched the third from last episode of Paranoia Agent.
- had a couple of good rests and did my T'ai Chi practice before going out.
- haven't had to wait long for any of the 5 buses I have been on today. Same goes for trains.
- bought a £3 volume of GTO from Forbidden Planet.
- saw the Kuniyoshi woodblock prints exhibit at the Royal Academy of Art, brilliant detail and colours.
- bought Japanese Calligraphy paper and brush, delicious vegetable tempura hand roll and Japanese snacks from the Japan Centre.
- found TokyoToys and bought chocobanna pocky.
- ran into one friend at the Kodo event in the ladies and met up with another during the intermission.
- got to see one of the best performances I have ever seen. Kodo are awesome(as in inspired awe and the warm fuzzy feeling inside that comes from indulging in a passion)
- sat next to a lovely lady and had a bit of a chat.
- bought the DVD with cd of the show.
- got to see everyone at the end of the performance to say goodbye.
- made it this far with cognitive faculties relatively intact and still able to move.

Tomorrow may be a different matter but right now I think it was all worth it ^^

Boom and bust in minature

2009-03-16T08:49:31Z

Ive been writing this all week now, bit by bit on my iPhone, hoping I don't loose it when I exit.

I had my CBT follow up and the nice lady helped me focus on a few things. Health has been headed in a downwardly direction for well over a year but it's been quite a gradual processes.

My ability to detach my general sense of wellbeing from my symptoms has led to a happier me. Unfortunately my symptoms are my bodies way of communicating and I should listen to them. This detachment has made them easier to ignore. So something happens like the feeling my bones are in fact made of lead plus gravity has been cranked up and I think huh been a while since I've had that all day. It doesn't go away and it's not so bad so I get used to it and ignore it in favour of being happy. Then my myalgia flares up and my muscles ache, but it's not all the time so I carry on getting in with it. And so on till I find myself fighting to get through work and too tired to smile.

I'm quite proud of my impersonation of an average person. (I've been told off for calling healthy people normal, it's much more normal to deviate from the textbook idea of a human being.) But lately it's gotten harder to pull off. It takes effort to maintain the happier side of neutral expression I wear to conceal the gravity induced vacant, non-happy one that comes naturally when no ones watching. It takes a second to fix in place. I don't want people to ask how I am, though I am getting used to instantly lying in a polite way. It's much easier than giving a second thought to the real answer.

Anyway this not being good will get worse so what to do about it? Well I talked with CBT lady about my inability to want to do the right thing and take breaks when in the middle of something as being mini boom and bust cycles. I'd rather not face the movement or thinking that comes from changing activity. It also takes me closer to contemplating the true amount of stuff I need and want to do but don't do, they aren't fun thoughts to think. So I plough on through, get it done, get the sense of achievement and the direct consequences aren't obvious.

I think I wrote before about naming the bit of brain responsible for the thoughts that argue so well for what it thinks I want as Cid. Well I find it much simpler to clearly define these unhelpful thoughts as being Cid. I don't want chocolate, I'm not hungry and my stomach really doesn't fancy the idea of chocolate. But if it's in front of me I will eat it because Cid wants to. Chocolate=good and you doesn't want something that's good? Eating produces happy brain chemicals and is something that needs to happen. Lots of good arguments in favour of doing it and I know the bad ones, Cid however is very narrow-minded and isn't interested in arguing, he just states his mind in a clear well rehearsed, repetitive manor and it's down to me to make a case for not doing it. Something that is harder to do the more tired I am.

I think I'll try posting this now. I can edit it when I get to my laptop with it's more comprehensive spellcheck. I'll continue in another post.....

Testing.....

2009-03-02T22:28:35Z

Seeing if I can blog through my iPhone. It's been far too long since I've posted. If this works it should be easier ^_^

What happened to the 29th's post?

2008-12-31T22:30:22Z

I'm sure I wrote one. I talked about the awkwardness of work people seeming to not want to ask if I had a happy christmas because of losing my Dad but them doing that made me think more about it than the actual happening of xmas. I don't remember what else I wrote but I doubt it was important. I did get asked if I wanted to restore from draft but I wasn't paying enough attention and didn't check it posted properly. Fudge. Well the point was to write it not to have it online. I do like having a dash under every date on the calendar though. ^^

Well new year's resolution? Do a little t'ai chi every day. Nice and simple even if I don't know how I will work it in to everyday just yet but if I just start with a run through of the start of the form it will be good. It'll be easier when I get the DVD.

emptied#carpet#moved#picnic#order

2008-12-30T23:05:22Z

# Emptied a room.
## Bought a carpet.
### moved stuff round till our bed was actually in the now bedroom and sofa in the almost living room. Now if we can just sort through the mountains of stuff.
#### Had a picnic on the front room floor. No table like surface available at the moment.
##### Ordered some new furniture that should fit our now bedroom and new sheets that will hopefully over our extra deep nasa mattress. All the ones we have had so far shrink after washing and I am fed up or having it ping off cause it's too small to fit over all four corners at once:P

windows ` boxes ` progress ` messages ` messages

2008-12-28T19:39:32Z

` Scrubbed half one of our large windows clean before the huge terrapin tank went in front of it. I look forward to setting it up for them they should enjoy the space.
`` Got some storage boxes with lids to facilitate the shifting of stuff.
``` Moved stuff and sorted some stuff. Don't seem to be able to do both at the same time but mini steps of progress being made.
```` Got messages from friends.
````` Wrote messages to friends, not been good enough at that lately. The doing it everyday didn't last in the run up to xmas.

veg.bath.jpop.housework.shifted

2008-12-27T22:57:14Z

- Ate some vegetables to break up the consumption of chocolate and pringles.
-- Used some xmas bubbles and stuff for a lovely bath.
--- Enjoyed some jpop.
---- Did a tiny bit of housework after being angered by not doing enough with my day and living in a home that is an embarrassment.
----- Shifted some stuff to make room for new terrapin tank.

pressies ~ dinner ~ relatives ~ noms ~ ok

2008-12-26T23:07:15Z

~ More pressies ^_^
~~ Another lovely dinner round other-half's mum's.
~~~ Fun day with relatives and their dogs.
~~~~ Chocolate and pringles - nom nom.
~~~~~ Got through the day ok.

snacks * presents * more presents * dinner * scrooged

2008-12-25T22:34:05Z

* I got soo many presents from my other half he deserves a good telling off. He misjudged the quantity of his orders and I now have enough Japanese snacks to quite possible last me to... well maybe 6 months if I'm honest. A couple of them I know and love and all the rest new to try ^_^
** He got me enough computer games to definitely last me till next year and new manga and moe soundrop keychains and wait for it, Trigun proper offical box set! (does a mini explode of joy while hoping to remember to make a convincing attempt at telling him he bought too much and not to do it again next time)
*** Also got other japanese related loveiness, totoro diary - kawaii! more manga, lovely, lovely manga and a cd case that has speakers in I can use for my ipod ^_^ no more wrestling the speaker cable out of the pc to play it out loud.
**** My other half cooked dinner and it worked out really well and was really nice. Having the food on the table in bowls and plates so I could put what I wanted in front of me really helped, though I still may have over done it a little but it is christmas.
***** Scrooged was on, one of my preferred xmas viewings. Would have loved to have seen Muppet christmas carol but I missed that a week or so ago. I'll tape it next time.

Good day ^_^

wrapped O mum O cards O maltesers O Ghostbusters!

2008-12-25T00:18:39Z

o Other half got the bulk of the present wrapping.
oo Chatted with Mum.
ooo Made two cards. Got to start this process earlier next time.
oooo Ate maltesers.
ooooo Watched Ghostbusters ^_^

terrapins:finished:shopping:wrapping:tree

2008-12-24T03:12:05Z

: Cleaned the terrapins out a bit this morning before work and didn't make myself much more later than usual flaffing about can.
:: Finished work ^_^ Not in again till Monday now.
::: Went shopping after work, popped into boots to use my points vouchers on everyday stuff and get my prescription for stomach saving drug just in case I need it over the festivities. Hopefully not though. It was easy, possibly less busy than on a Saturday. I don't think people knew they were opening late. Stocked up on wrapping paper and chickened out and bought a new pack of xmas cards. I have two boxes of leftovers from sets from previous years and really wanted to use them up but more than that I didn't want to find myself without anything reasonable to give people.
:::: Started wrapping presents, lots more to do tomorrow.
::::: Tree is up and sparkling, few bits on the walls to. Couldn't start wrapping without a tree to put things under.

computers,gingerbread,timer,tree(almost),sellotape

2008-12-22T23:54:19Z

= Public computers down, counter pcs fine for all book and info related enquiries. Need a replacement part. Imagine if they can't get it for a while, people just using a library for books it would be much more quiet.
== Bought everything I need to make a gingerbread house cept for chocolate buttons and a flake (for the chimney).
=== Used timer to have rests and try to not get carried away with doing or not doing for hours at a time, with some success.
==== Cleaned up in preparation for putting up tree, no we haven't any decorations up yet. Maybe tomorrow. I'm off xmas eve so I can do it then if not. Never left it so late before. Could not bother but it is nice to have up with the pretty lights and gives you somewhere to kept the presents when they are all prettily wrapped. They are mostly on top of the fridge freezer at the moment.
===== Remembered to buy sellotape ^^

Zelda-tided-noodles-chocolate-cards

2008-12-22T00:20:32Z

] Finished Zelda ^^
]] Sorted and tidied piles on the front room table so it can actually be used as a table again.
]]] Ate noodles
]]]] Ate chocolate
]]]]] Getting Christmas cards, paper and electronic ^_^. One of my favourite bits of christmas yet I am terrible at sending them :( Next year I'll get myself organised in time to actually send hand made cards, hopefully. Maybe if I make one a month or something.

pressie+looked+rests+housework+jbox

2008-12-21T00:12:32Z

+ Bought last pressie
++ Looked after other half
+++ Had a couple of rests
++++ Did some housework
+++++ Order from JBox arrived with a few tiny self indulgent items of japanese stationary for me ^^

Looked after-turtles-cat-nap-Zelda

2008-12-19T23:21:48Z

. Looked after other half when he got home
.. Fed turtles
... Fed cat
.... Had a nap
..... Progressed with zelda

I really wish I had more productive things to list here but today never really got going :(

Painted#Friends#Cosplayed#Lovely#Take care

2008-12-19T00:04:05Z

# Painted
## Saw friends
### Cosplayed
#### Was fed lovely food, given birthday card and present and lent lovely things ^_^
##### Got to take care of other half when I got home, he's finally succumbing to a bug he's been trying to ignore for ages. I like looking after him, makes me feel like a grown-up rather than a spoiled child.

un-stress ' housework ' fixed ' Fruba ' ready

2008-12-18T00:50:58Z

- Started to get a bit stressed and angry at work over nothing much but managed to notice and counter act it with not really caring.
-- Got some housework done.
--- Fixed skirt. Dress rehearsal went ok, everything intact and accounted for.
---- Put Fruits Basket on the tv while sorting things out. I knew I loved it but forgot just how brilliant it is.
----- On my way to being ready for tomorrow ^_^

Dr.DVD.Cosplay.Sorted.Arty

2008-12-17T00:08:03Z

< Dr's appointment went well.
<< Finally learnt how to back up my movies with my DVD-RW. I love how to videos on youTube ^^
<<< Found all pieces of my cosplay.
<<<< Sorted out the washing and cleared stuff off of a bit of my table, next step sorting the stuff out.
<<<<< Did a bit of arty stuff ^_^

Recon - work - time - card - Nana

2008-12-16T00:12:58Z

} 3 days till Recon cosplay fun ^^
}} Got through doing an appraisal, bulky waste practise and doing a rota and a half. All on a day we were rather understaffed after 3 people called in sick. It was interesting.
}}} Got to work in time which helped.
}}}} Started opening xmas cards, very cute one from Mum ^_^
}}}}} Finished on more volume of Nana.

food - rest - vivo barefoot - housework - chat

2008-12-14T23:27:23Z

= Got out of the house to go food shopping with other half, stocking up our out-of-bounds till xmas box with snacks and chocolate.
== Wore my new vivo barefoot compton boots and they were comfy and warm.
=== Had a rest and a bit. Slowly getting a bit better ^^
==== Got a little bit of housework done.
===== Chatted with bestest friend telephonically.

gingerbread + Bluewater + rest + The Cottage + tidy

2008-12-14T01:23:31Z

* I wanna make a gingerbread house ^^
** Ventured to Bluewater with my other half and survived actual xmas shopping in real shops with other people. Doing well present-wise so far, fingers crossed stuff in the post arrives on time.
*** Had a rest, more than one would have been better but it's a start.
**** We watched The Cottage and did a laugh at it's daftness.
***** I did a bit of a tidy of the piles of stuff swamping the table so you can now see some of it.

got up - got through - posted - pressies - wallflower

2008-12-12T23:27:03Z

> Did a better job of getting up this morning, didn't get it all done, had to grab a sandwich for lunch but it was a perfectly edible one.
>> Got through work in one piece, one tired slightly achy piece.
>>> Posted bank related papers, hopefully getting me one tiny step closer to working out my finances.
>>>> Pressies arriving in post in plenty of time for xmas. I need to do a tally of what we've got and if there's anything else we need before the postal deadlines pass. I should start wrapping them soon, must buy wrapping paper. Online?
>>>>> Watched another Wallflower episode ^_^

xmas/wallflower/non-zelda/t'ai chi/gloves

2008-12-12T00:03:17Z

+ Getting a few more peoples xmas presents sorted.
++ Watched another episode of Yamato Nadeshiko Shichi Henge. The Wallflower or Perfect girl evolution. I can't but help love it though I feel I shouldn't ^^
+++ I didn't play Zelda. This meant I got other things done. Unfortunately not enough of the right things but it would have been much worse had I spent a few hours on my ds.
++++ T'ai chi, even though I've forgotten a few bits of what I knew I finally asked about the dvd which will help me to practice at home.
+++++ My fingerless gloves which have restored enough warmth to my hand so I can use them again ^_^

Ok-Bus-Zelda-Nana-Chocolate

2008-12-10T23:00:41Z

- Work went ok with me as only gal in charge. Library didn't catch fire, fall over or sink into a swamp.
-- Despite the bus being broken in a way that meant the driver had to switch the engine off and on every time he opened the front doors, I still got to work, a little late but at least I didn't have to change buses.
--- Playing of Zelda!!!
---- Other half met me at work to give me a lift home ^_^ made him move a table with me though.
----- Eating of chocolate buttons.